Van White and the Seven Chibi Bishounen
by Draqonelle
Summary: Primarily an Escaflowne Fic, I was watching snow white and Trigun in the same sitting. This is said result. Ohh and it's G too... Oooohhhh


Never Watch Snow White
    and episode 1 of Escaflowne, and Trigun in the same twenty four hour span....
    ~songs ~
    /echo/
    Van and the Seven Chibi Bishounen: Part 1
    Once upon a time in the land of Gaea. There was a beautiful biseinen prince named Allen. He had long blond hair and blue eyes.
    "Damn I'm Kawaii. I wish I could find a bishounen as cute as I am now."
    So the Prince went on a journey to find someone as kawai as he was, only a bishounen, so he could make him his friend and inherit the kingdom from. But since the gorgeous Biseinen was gone, there was no room for any more yaoi in the kingdom. Of course this meant the possiblity for a yaoi fic had vanished. So all the people rejoiced in assexual and comfortable relations.
    One day many years later a new bishounen related to Allen (in some weird way.) His name was Dilandau and he ruled with a gentle hand, but with also with wicked busy flamethrower. He also was dead sexy. Let's face it the silver hair, the red eyes, the black leather. (I'm writing a G fic not paralyzed from the waist down.) He also knew he was the kawaiest bishounen in the land.
    Van Fanel was picking mushrooms for his brother, Folken Fanel's magic mirror spell for the Prince. They were also royalty, but Dilandau couldn't handle the competition.
    Prince Dilandau would go up to Dornkirk
    "Mirror Mirror on my wall. Who is the Kawai Bishounen of All?"
    Folken grumbled "You my lord okay. Why are we pestering that creepy mirror?"
    "Oh Folken. I must know. A mirror will not lie."
    Dornkirk the Mirror grumbled as his smoky old head materialized. "Now let me out. I invented gravity and inertia."
    Prince Dilly crossed his arms "No you didn't. They were there before you wrote about them. You just invented Calculus. And drove Lindsey Paris insane."
    The trez gorgeous Dilandau-sama looked in the mirror and he saw someone else. It was a young boy, sweet and young, with black hair.
    "The Kawaiiest bish is here you see and he is much more cute than thee."
    "VAAAAAAAAAAAN!"
    *****
    Van was scrubbing the royal stone path leading into the woods. He stretched. Much to the delight of fan femmes everywhere in his skimpy cute little red tunic shirt and skimpy short shorts (the author takes a moment to stop hyperventilating)
    He leans over into the well and sings a line and the
    ~"I'm wishing."
    _/I'm wishing/_
    ~"To find the dragon"
    _/To fight the dragon/__
    "I'll be king"
    __/I'll be king/_
    Princess Hitomi was running in the woods, her magical pendant had transported her to Gaea.
    The prince was sweet and cute.
    ~You will~, Hitomi surprisingly sang, in a baritone voice.
    Van spun around and punched her.
    "BAAAAAAAAAAH. Onna no kagetsu maboroshi."
    "I'm not a b-i-t-c-h from the Mystic Moon. Wow you're not even speaking plain Japanese and I can understand you." the girl gasped.
    Van shivered. But strangely felt the trademark "Love that transcends time and space" (look. I can write a G sappy romance.)
    "Hi I'm Hitomi." she shook his hand.
    "I am Prince Van Fanel." Having never had his hand shook he thought she was crazy.
    The sweet track star smiled at him. He was cute, her age, available, pretty, and in shortie shorts. She was glad she had come to- and then her eyes began to glaze over
    "What is a matter Hitomi?" She began to swoon. Van checked his breath smelled his armpits. They smelled fine. So he caught her. In those shorty shorts.... (Author curls up around shorty shorts)
    "Wow I sense blood, death and destruction in your future."
    "Really?"
    "Yes it is my curse."
    A piano cued up and Hitomi began to sing.
    **~One song, I have one song
    You're probably gonna die
    One song only one song
    Don't mean to make you cry.~**
    Van tittered like a school girl as Princess Hitomi serenaded him as he sat in the window.
    **~Oh Van I think you are swell
    Van I think you are great
    But things they aren't going well
    Turn back before it's too late.~**
    Van smiled and grasped her hands "Hitomi I feel that we have a connection-"
    "-That transcends time and space? Powered only by our love?" Hitomi smiled with big gooey eyes.
    "Yes."
    They stared for a long time, until Van spoke such words that moved the girl from the Mystic Moon.
    "Umm. Can I borrow some money. I want to by some cool dragon hunting armor." Van clapped his hands. Hitomi was mad, but we forgive him for wearing the shorty shorts.
    Of course the birds flew away in fear of the noisy smack against Van's fool head.
    ***
    Prince Dilandau called his ace gunman Vash the Stampede, the most infamously violent and blood thirsty man in his kingdom. If he called anyone (Sorceror Folken, the Duchess Millerna, the Milkboy Gaddess, the Cow herd Ranma and the others in the king) else they would take pity on the kawaii and sweet Van White, but not the ruthless bloodthirsty Humanoid Typhoon.
    "Take the Prince out into the woods."
    Vash tittered, "Wow the woods, I love the woods. You know the animals and the trees. Not the bugs though... Hey can I pick flowers?"
    "I want you to take care of him." Dilandau smiled and clutched his hands in evil glee.
    With the vicious master gunman, Vash the Stampede on the case. The boy prince wouldn't stand a chance.
    "No problem." Vash smiled. "I'd be happy to."
    "Excellent. All is according to plan." Dilandau cackled.
    ****
    So the blond beautiful gunman and Prince Van in his brand new pretty dragon hunting armour, went out into the woods all alone. The flowers were in bloom, and birds sang sweetly, unaware of the scene below.
    Vash waited until they had come to a very beautiful clearing.
    "The Prince told me to take you out into the woods."
    "To help me find the dragon and become king?"
    "No." Vash looked down at the short prince, "He just told me to take you into the woods."
    Van shrugged "And?"
    Vash approached him very closely. Until he was finally close enough to hand him a pillow. "Sit down."
    Vash gave him a bouquet. "Prince Van, Are you okay? You want me to get you something to drink? It's a most HOT DAY." He screamed in Van's ear, loudly for no reason at all.
    "Um Well, that would be nice?"
    "I got it, lemonade. Oh Prince Dilandau will be so happy."
    "I thought Prince Dilandau didn't like me. I guess he's not so bad after all."
    Vash took care of the prince. He got him lemonade and they had a nice picnic.
    ***
    The two returned to the castle very happy.
    "I brought you flowers, Mr. Dilandau. Aren't they nice? We had a very nice time in the woods. We had lemonade and I saw a bunny. We even had donuts."
    The silver haired bishounen looked in his mirror straightening his tiara. "And Where is Van White's body?"
    "Bafroom." Vash pointed
    Dilandau cackled. "And you bring him back in little pieces. You are bad, Vash the Stampede."
    "Yeah?" Vash scratched his head disturbed "He wanted to take a shower before dinner."
    Dilandau's crown fell down.
    "No, I asked you where you disposed of his body, where is his body?"
    "In the bathroom..."
    "I mean his corpse."
    "Corpse?"
    "His dead body. The one that you killed!"
    Vash tried to say something but Dilandau stepped on his feet and pulled him down to his height by his mohawk looking him in the eyes.
    "He's supposed to be dead! You Monkey!"
    "Dead?" Vash whimpered.
    "I want him dead." Dilandau shrieked "The Prince. Why does the- Aren't you an assasin? Don't you kill people for money?"
    Vash scratched his head. "I don't know. Hmm let me check my business card."
    Vash stared at his business card "Oh damn. I guess I am."
    Dilandau scowled "This time I want you bring me his heart in this box."
    "EWw. A heart in a box? You are like a freaky evil pyscho boy." Vash shook his head, "Well this isn't going to turn into a bizzare May-July shounen ai romance. I'm leaving."
    "Get back here you monkey." Dilandau yanked on his coat.
    Van arrived at dinner. Dilandau sat as Van OOCishly babbled about his day. Dilandau got rip snorting drunk. Isn't that a fun word to say? See we don't need yaoi to have fun.
    "Man I think your gunsmen came onto me in the woods. He's really cute, but not my type. Oh Hitomi is my type. She gave me money to go buy some dragon fighting armor. Unfortunately they were paper yen and most fairy tale merchants don't accept foreign paper currency as a standard."
    Van chattered on and on about the mysterious Hitomi.
    At the end of the dinner Dilandau after mad flirting with Vash, said a steely "Tomorrow Van will die... Pumpkin."
    Vash let the freaky evil prince pass out in his own sick and snuck away
    ****
    Vash took Van out into the woods again. Still smiling cheerfully the gunmen let.
    "Why did we come here at night? Maybe we'll find a dragon this time."
    "That's when people normally commit felonies. Sad really."
    "You know mugging, burglary. Non-consensual lemons..."
    "I'm not that kind of boy." Van crossed his arms.
    "Well. Hah. I hate being out at night where the criminals can get me. You know." Vash laughed, only masking his true heart, trying to guard his expression of true dread for the Prince.
    "You can shoot them." Van said. "I'll protect you when you run out of bullets."
    "I don't like violence." Vash shook his head.
    "So why are we out here?" Van said. Giving a strangely innocent "I am a kawaii spazz who doesn't even realize anything" look. But then it changed to a sorry "Don't kill the boy in the shorty shorts" look.
    "So there aren't any witnesses when I kill you."
    "Oh- WHAT!"
    Vash took out his Frank Marshall Special and pointed it in the Prince's face.
    Van cowered as the gun was pointed right towards him. This was the end. He hadn't fought the dragon, he hadn't killed anyone. He blinked. Was this the end of -
    The bullet skittered a micrometer away from his shoulder. Van stared.
    Vash pulled out Van's dagger "Hold still."
    He knicked a tiny prick in Van's chest cavity.
    Vash began wincing. Yuck I hate blood. This is making me naseaous"
    "What are you doing?"
    "There we are. That way it will have your DNA material on the blade. Of course improper handling and botched up police investigation will handle the rest."
    "What? But-"
    "As for the heart... Yeah I can handle that. I think I saw an annoying blond girl around here. No one will miss her."
    Vash tossed the young Prince his backpack.
    "Inside are twelve weeks of provisions that will not require any fire to eat. I suggest you get running. I have to go get that heart."
    "But- But-"
    "Bye Van. I'm sorry Dilandau is such a jerk." Vash waved.
    "But won't you get in trouble for helping me, gunsman Vash."
    "Nonsense I'm always in trouble." Vash smiled.
    So, Van White ran as fast as he could into the forest.
    Vash returned to the castle.
    "Well?"
    "I Vash the Stampede and fierce merciless assasin for hire have destroyed Prince Van. AHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHA!" The beautiful gunmen went all chibi and mounted Dilandau's throne. "The Humanoid Typhoon Strikes again." He also turned neko and began jumping around like a monkey "I am EVIL EVIL! MWAHHHHH!"
    Dilandau sighed, "Are you done?"
    "Kind of." Vash shrugged and stretched in Dilandau's throne.
    "Good. Now I am the kawaiiest bish in the land." He pulled up three spot lights and a mirror.
    "Wow. I guess when the light hits you the right way, you aren't bad looking." Vash scratched his chin. "But really... Come on."
    Dilandau grabbed his throat.
    "As your price I will not kill you and give you whatever you desire."
    "Cute Girls? Like Relena Peacecraft and Usagi, and ohhhhh man. Princess A-ko? Oh man I'm soooo lucky."
    "Yes. I will introduce you to Millerna Aston."
    "I only offer one bit of advice."
    "You are only beautiful if you can no longer hide the scars you have. Every Mask is a flaw. The Truth cannot be hidden by a mask. So the fury and the rage are behind the mask are a beauty themselves. Do not wear your scars and call them beautiful."
    "Wow." Dilandau turned of the spot lights and sat down pensively. He had never heard anything like that. "That was a load of crap. Come on I'm having a party now that Van Fanel is dead."
    TBC
    ***
    Draqonelle: Okay now it's time for Vash the Stampede's spoiler.
    Vash: I'm hungry, Can't I go eat first?
    Draqonelle: No.
    Vash (looks all intense) The Prince without a kingdom shall not suffer a life without power. For when his kingdom is at hand, he will meet it with his eyes opening. Opening to the truths he denied. The dragon is at hand.
    Draqonelle: (with Sparkly gooey eyes) D----amn. You so hot, beoch. (hugs him and smooches him)
    Vash: (muffled by Liz's tongue) I still want those donuts.
    ^_______^ OWARI
    


End file.
